If someone you care about is considering suicide, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or call or text 988 any time, day or night.
It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted or experienced domestic violence, especially when that person is a family member, friend, or loved one.
When A Loved One Discloses…
- Thank them for telling you and trusting you with this information.
- Listen and remain non-judgmental.
- Reassure them NO ONE deserves to be abused or assaulted.
- Respect their decisions (even if they’re not the decisions you think they should make).
- Let them know you’ll continue to be there for them going forward.
For some more suggestions on exactly what to say, check out these articles:
How To TALK With Survivors of Sexual Violence – RAINN
How To Help A Friend Who May Be In An Abusive Relationship – One Love Foundation
Important Dos and Don’ts
🤙 DO Reach Out
Check in with your friend and let them know you care about their safety and well-being. Abuse often thrives in silence and secrecy, so it’s not only okay to gently name behaviors that seem controlling, hurtful, or “off” — it can be an important step in breaking that isolation. Even a simple message like “I’m here if you want to talk” or “I’ve noticed some things that concern me, and I care about you” can help remind them they are not alone and that someone sees what’s happening.
👥 DO Remain Nonjudgmental
Listen without criticizing their choices or questioning why they stayed or didn’t report. Survivors often face complex barriers, and a calm, supportive response builds trust and makes it more likely they will continue to open up.
🩹 DO Reassure Your Friend They Are Not To Blame
Clearly say that the abuse or assault was not their fault. Many survivors struggle with self-blame, so hearing consistent reassurance can help counter the harmful messages they may have received.
🔗 DO Offer Resources
Gently share information about local advocacy centers, hotlines, counseling services, or legal options. Offer to help them make a call or look up information, but respect their choice about whether and when to use those resources.
🤬 DON’T Put-Down Or Bad-Talk Their Abuser
Insulting or attacking the abusive partner can make your friend feel defensive or shut down. It may also increase risk if the abuser learns about the conversation, so focus on supporting your friend rather than criticizing the other person.
📋 DON’T Tell Them What To Do
Avoid giving directives like “You need to leave” or “You have to report this.” Domestic violence and sexual assault are rooted in power and control, and telling someone what they should do — even with good intentions — can unintentionally mirror that same dynamic. Survivors need opportunities to rebuild their sense of choice and autonomy, so the most supportive response is to provide information, explore options together, and trust them to decide what feels safest and right for them.
🙅 DON’T Give Them An Ultimatum
Statements like “If you don’t leave, I can’t be your friend” can deepen their isolation. Abusers often rely on cutting survivors off from support, so staying present—even when you feel frustrated—can make a critical difference.
💥 DON’T Confront Their Abuser
Confronting the abusive person — whether in person, over the phone, online, or by threatening or “calling them out” publicly — can escalate danger and remove your friend’s control over the situation. Abuse is rooted in power and control, and when an abuser feels challenged, exposed, or embarrassed, they often respond by trying to regain that control, which can mean escalating the abuse toward the victim. What may feel like standing up for your friend can unintentionally increase their risk, so always prioritize their safety, protect their confidentiality, and follow their lead about if and when any action is taken.
Continued Support
There’s no timetable when it comes to recovering from sexual violence. If someone trusted you enough to disclose the event to you, consider the following ways to show your continued support.
Use the Survivor Advocacy Center. You’re a strong supporter, but that doesn’t mean you’re equipped to manage someone else’s health. Lean on the Survivor Advocacy Center for support.
Understand healing isn’t linear. Survivors often move forward and backward through different stages of healing. Feelings, triggers, and memories can resurface unexpectedly, even after long periods of stability, especially when faced with new stressors or life changes. Recovery can take time, patience, and ongoing support, and each survivor’s path looks different and unfolds at their own pace.
Check in periodically. The event may have happened a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Check in with the survivor to remind them you still care about their well-being and believe their story.